Random and Unsolicited Advice for the Newly Pregnant Mom

Here is some unsolicited advice for you.

I'm great at unsolicited advice.

I hate unsolicited advice.

1. Buy a lot of underwear.  You'll be peeing through whatever you're wearing when you laugh, throw up, sneeze, or just take too darn long to get to the bathroom.
2. Your doctor makes a lot of $$$ off your Google results.
3. If you are ever unsure... Call your doctor or nurse.  The internet cannot truly help you.  We don't know your medical history and, more importantly, we aren't doctors.
4. Seriously, call the doctor.  Bleeding can mean nothing or everything.  Cramps can mean nothing or everything.  An ultrasound that doesn't match with your EDD can mean nothing or everything.  Bloody poop is probably hemorrhoids.
5. Get thee a body pillow.  But you will probably eventually want to upgrade from a body pillow to a full-body Boppy or Snoogle or other pregnancy pillow.
6. Stop giving a damn if someone is going to breastfeed, or formula feed, or cosleep, or babywear, or cloth diaper, or poop in their toilet.  It doesn't concern you.  It doesn't affect you.  It doesn't reflect badly on you.  And it's none of your business.  If you can't say anything nice, shut up and stab a teddy bear.  If someone is being a bitch to you, think about if it really matters.  They're just random strangers on the internet.
7. If someone calls you stupid and paranoid, cut them.
8. If someone tells you to calm down, punch them in the face.
9. If someone says you look too far along for your gestational date, hide a fresh fish in their trunk.
10. Advice numbers 7-9 probably should be thrown out the window.
11. Everything in moderation.  If you're truly worried if something is safe to eat when you are pregnant... call your doctor.  Don't rely on the advice of people online, because you will get 3 to 72 different and contradictory opinions.
12. Research.  Research.  Research.  Fill your brain with knowledge.  Even though you will probably throw half your decisions out the window after the baby is born, at least you have the knowledge there.
13. Research will drive you insane, so maybe you shouldn't research everything.  Just important things.
14. If it's on the internet, it's probably true.
15. If it's on the internet, it's probably really bad information.
16. If it's on the internet, there's probably a meme about it.
17. Slow down and breathe.  You have time.  The first trimester goes fast.  The second is (generally) bliss.  The third slows to a crawl.  And no matter how much you hate pregnancy, there will always be something you miss about it.  Fluttering baby kicks, maybe.  Knowing when your baby is hiccuping inside your womb.  The fact that you can go to the store at midnight and not worry about the sleeping baby because travel is so much easier...
18. Don't worry about your weight.  Worry about what you're putting in your body.  Instead of thinking, "OMG!  I don't want to gain more than 15 pounds!", try thinking, "Maybe I should ditch the Oreo shake and go for some apples."  (Who am I kidding... I'd never give up an Oreo shake.  Haha.)
19. If your husband/significant other/baby daddy is being a dick, slap sense into them NOW.  Very few of them suddenly reform when you have a screaming, crying, inconsolable newborn who has a weird sleep schedule and refuses to let you have any semblance of sanity.
20. Your extended family's opinions and decisions don't matter.  Take what you want and ditch the rest.  YOUR family is now you, husband/significant other/boyfriend, and your child(ren).  Your mother and father are now EXTENDED family.
21. Your in-law's family's opinions and decisions don't matter either.  Teach your spouse that YOU and the CHILDREN come first - always.  Stop being afraid to stand up to mommy.  You're a mom now, and he's a dad now.  You have bigger issues than worrying about mom being mad at you.
22. The cost of 'free' babysitting given by family is usually too high for what you get.  Think it through.  You can't bitch that your mom never listens to you when she babysits if you aren't paying her.  Either find new childcare or -- frankly, you'll have to suck it up if she doesn't listen to you.  There is nothing you can do to uphold your parental authority in that kind of situation if you keep handing your child over because it is 'free'.  This works for some families, and for some... it really, really, really doesn't.
23. Seriously, that neighbor with the loud music at 2 a.m. should probably be clubbed with a bag of Skittles.  I'm just saying.
24. Lock your doors whenever your car is parked.  Learn to watch your surroundings.  Make smart decisions.  You're pregnant.  There's a baby inside of you.  Once you are larger and less able to run like a spring chicken, you are a prime target.  Pregnant women are the ultimate target for rapists, robbers, kidnappers, and unsolicited advice.  Also, women with children.  It's easy to threaten a woman with children tagging along (they usually comply in hopes to keep their children from being hurt).  Practice situational awareness and start becoming a little paranoid.
25. This baby is YOUR child.  If you don't like how someone else is 'dictating' your pregnancy... Don't let them.  This is YOUR time.
26. Seriously.  Buy more underwear.

And since this is advice on the internet, take what you will and throw away the rest.  I'm just a random stranger.

I take no responsibility for people harmed by actions taken after reading this post.