Pregnancy is Beautiful, Part Five-Hundred-Eighty-Seven.

It is once again time for the Pregnancy Whine of the Month.

• Hips.  Why are they necessary?  Seriously, like it wasn't bad enough having a random hip cramp during sex.  Now it's all like Hi, I'm going to twinge every time you get out of your seat.  You know.  For funsies.
• Hips are also unnecessary when you sleep on your side.  Seriously, waking up 3 hours early because your hip is suddenly aching in severe pain because you haven't moved since you fell asleep is not the best way to be woken up.  Surprise sex?  Sure.  "Surprise, bitch, roll over!"?  No, thank you.
• I'm hungry, but everything tastes like cardboard.  Surprisingly, cardboard causes me to vomit (I used to consider cardboard a nonoffensive, though nontasty, flavor).
• Nothing is worse than craving something for a few days, finally going to the store to buy the ingredients, cooking it, craving it even more after smelling it, and then 3 bites in deciding it tastes gross and every bite makes you hurl.  Nothing.
• Everything is offensive.  The way the sun shines so cheerfully into my bedroom window is incredibly offensive.  The fact that the bathroom is freezing as soon as I step out of the shower is offensive.  The fact that my husband can eat whatever he wants without taking a trip to see John is so very, very, very offensive.
• Everyone who talks about their easier pregnancy sucks.
• Everyone with a worse pregnancy makes you feel like you're lucky for a second, until you decide that once again everything sucks.
• Pregnancy pillows are awesome, but why can't they just move with you in bed?  Why do we have to adjust them manually?
• All those cheerful people going about their cheerful days being all cheerful and shit need to get the hell away from you.
• Exhausted all the time.  When you're not exhausted you're on this weird pregnancy high.  When you're not on your pregnancy high, or maybe when you are, you have insomnia.  When you have insomnia you're never tired.  Only you're tired all the time.  So basically, you're always tired-never sleep-oh look a squirrel!
• Nesting should exist during all stages of pregnancy.  It doesn't.  My poor house.