Pregnancy: The Hard Truths

People are always asking questions early in pregnancy... I figured, hey.  I've been there once.  (I hated it.)  I could probably answer some questions.

Disclaimer:  I am not any sort of medical practitioner.  I have less credentials than Dr. Google.  My advice is completely worthless.  I'd suggest taking it all with a grain of salt, but I hear high-sodium diets are bad for the heart.  I have come up with this pregnancy FAQ from hours and hours of research.

Is it safe to drive a car when you're pregnant?

• If you're asking me this question, I'm always going to answer "No."  I have no real reason for this outside of being snarky.  And also probably thinking you're slightly insane.

Is it safe to eat sushi when you're pregnant?

• Absolutely. People have been doing it for years.  Frankly, there's nothing wrong with eating sushi.  You know, the real problem is being so paranoid that you can't even step out your door for fear of being run over by a flying donkey.
• Absolutely not.  How dare you risk harming your child for a little luxury?  You're an awful mother.  Don't you read baby books?
• You know, every doctor says something different about sushi.  You should just make your own choices.  However, it is true that raw fish can get you sick... But, it's your risk to take.
• Ew.
• Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Suuuuuuuuuuuuuushi.

My toenail broke.  Is this a symptom of pregnancy?

• Everything is a symptom of pregnancy.  Everything.

Is it safe to drink caffeine when you're pregnant?

• Anything under 300 mg of caffeine a day is perfectly acceptable in pregnancy.  Did you know that caffeine also can help keep migraines at bay?  You know, you'll drive yourself crazy wondering what you can and can't eat/drink/do when you're pregnant.  Just do everything in moderation.
• Absolutely not.  If you can't get rid of your daily cup of coffee, you have no business being a mom.  I used to drink 5 cups of tea a day and now I drink none.  Why?  Because the health and safety of my child comes first and foremost.
• Absolutely!  That 300 mg of caffeine rule is stupid.  People drink pots and pots and pots of coffee every day and their kids have turned out fine.  Drink whatever you want.

Is it normal for my dog to be up my butt every second of the day?

• Yes.  I suggest keeping all your panties in a locked drawer before you wake up to a whole set of crotchless lingerie.  Unless you're into that thing.  In which case... Hey, go crotchless.  I'm not going to judge.
• No.  Dogs have no idea that you're pregnant.
• Sometimes.  Do you smell like bacon?
• Absolutely.  Dogs can smell the hormones.  Not that I'm trying to say you stink or anything.
• Why do you let your dog go up your butt?  I just want you to know that human fecal matter carries disease and other nasty things.  I don't suggest letting your dog live between your cheeks for any reason.  If your dog is cold, get them a blanket.

Is it normal to lose weight when you're pregnant?

• I hate you.  I'll give you some of mine.  But you can keep your puking juju, because I don't want it.
• OMG, go to a doctor.  Babies aren't calorie-free.
• Don't listen to the above comment.  The above comment was high on Skittles and fudge.

I'm tired all the time.  Is this normal?

• Please.  I sleep 28 hours a day.  Don't even talk to me about tired.
• Actually, pregnancy gives me all this energy!  I ran like 10 miles.
• I hate everybody who gets to nap.  I don't get to nap.  I want to nap.  I'm going to cry now.  Thanks a lot.